Has anyone ever disappointed you ?
Whether it was a significant other, a best friend, or even a guardian. You thought they were going to be around for the long run, but only to find out that the truth was the complete opposite. They couldn’t finish the race with you. They couldn’t remain faithful to the post they occupied in your heart, now you are left vulnerable, defenseless to life’s barrages of attacks. Situations seem to rise against you none stop, they keep coming like waves of zombies in Call of Duty.
Maybe this isn’t your experience, but I can say it’s been a part of my story. There were many times when I felt let down and it seemed like I was all alone. Male figures that I could model myself after were nowhere to be found in my life- not the ones I expected to be there at least. So I questioned who I was, my identity was shattered (we will begin a series on identity in April, so stick around).
Who could I trust ?
Why did they neglect me ?
Is there something wrong with me ?
Who’s going to help me _ ?
These questions piled up like dry branches on a hot, dry summer day. Without realizing it, I was building a nest of bitterness and my heart served as the tree that it was built on. The impact that others had on me-whether they realized it or not, at the time only seemed to tear down my identity.
In addition to what was taking place at home, I was entering my teenage years. My body was literally changing, I would look at female that I thought was attractive and before you know it BAM there it was. Coming from Haiti, I was still adjusting to the American culture and that wasn’t easy. I experienced bullying when I first moved here because I didn’t know the language, I didn’t wear the J’s (who had money to spend 300 dollars on shoes ?).
Through all of this, I was expected to be a good student. I was expected to uphold the standards of a man of God. I was expected to be a good man, to have laser focus, be disciplined, be career driven and start setting a foundation for the family that I was someday expected to lead. Yet, in my own family I looked around and could not find a male figure that modeled those things.
So my self-esteem dropped like the on in Time’s Square on New Year’s Eve, “3 2 1 ! Happy manhood !”.
My heart was broken, and over and over again the pieces were being stepped on. I began to hate who I was, and oh remember the so called promises that were spoken over my life ? Well, what use were they now ? Where was God when I was getting bullied ? Where was He and His promises when my family and I were sleeping in a house without heat or hot water in the arctic cold 2012 NEW ENGLAND WINTER ?
As I look back now, I can say that He was truly there all along. Otherwise, I would not have made it this far, that’s for certain. I won’t act like I got it all together, because I would be lying to you. However, I am healing and realizing that sometimes it takes going through the fire, in order for us to look back and contextualize our experiences.
I might have felt alone, but the King of my heart never left His post. When others bailed and jumped ship, He remained seated on His throne.
Who’s sitting on the throne of your heart ?